I'm going to try and be more active here again. I think I may be able to succeed once my week-long hiatus from all electronic communication in a couple of weeks is over. I'm going to visit a friend in Portland, OR and have decided that while I am there, I will not check email, facebook, or twitter. For a whole week - rapid detox on social media. I am taking wagers on how well I will succeed. Of course, knowing Brett & Jessie, if I tell them "do not let me use the computer for anything other than maps, transit and flight updates" I'm sure they'll oblige. If someone needs to find me during that time, they can text or {gasp} call me.
As much as I do LOVE facebook - it allows me to interact with a lot of people that I otherwise wouldn't be able to on a fairly regular basis - I am on it way too much. And my recent experiment with twitter confirmed the same - it was just far too distracting. I need to limit myself, which is difficult because I sit in front of a computer all day and it's so easy to just log onto facebook when I'm bored, or can't concentrate, or need a break. But then it turns into an obsession of sorts - so-and-so commented on this-or-that - oooh, I have to check that, and maybe reply! It has allowed me to get into contact with a lot of people I lost touch with, for various reasons. I am not the type of person who "friends" people I don't actually know or want to know. I don't understand that at all.
That was part of my conflict with Twitter. Aside from following various celebrities or news outlets or businesses, all it is, is pushing my brainfarts into cyberspace. I didn't have a lot of "followers" so, therefore, I was pushing those thoughts to a subset of people already on Facebook - so why not just use that? And it seemed oddly anti-social to me - a facade of interaction. I was discussing with with someone who said "Yeah, but actual conversation requires more time and effort. A quick tweet doesn't interrupt anything". Exactly: The absence of time and effort. I'm not interested in "tweeting" with perfect strangers, and all those with whom I want to be friends, I require a certain level of effort and time for them. If my only interaction with someone is through 140 character snippets - that's not a friendship. And right now, I really am craving more interpersonal connections.
I've found that now that the dust has settled, I've reached the "OK, now what" phase of this stage of my life. I want to get out and meet new people, foster relationships (new, old, and newly-rediscovered) but I often don't have the time (or money) to do that as often as I want. Socializing often costs money, especially the kind of socialization I enjoy (the ethanol kind). I'm at a crossroads. How do you meet new people (friends or 'more')? I'm going to a little singles event next week called "Nerds at Heart" --
- OK you done laughing? -
Seriously - it looks like fun. It's not a corporate/yuppie speed-dating thing. I couldn't handle that. There's no way I could "present" myself to a guy in 2 minutes or less. This is a laid back, social event where people who are other self-identified nerds (i.e., they actually LIKE smart women) get together for trivia and party games, a few drinks, and yes, to maybe meet someone they click with. The games are natural ice-breakers - no pressure in trying to think of something witty to say, or the right "getting to know you" question to ask. I'm going with a new friend I just met through some old friends for moral support. I'm both excited and terrified.
Speaking of old friends... I've recently re-connected with a whole group of people with whom I lost touch many years ago. Most of them are high school friends, and a few who I met in college (the two groups kind of merged). Part of the reason I went AWOL is that I had a falling out with one "core" person of the group - or so I thought. Turns out after all these years of thinking he hated me, he actually missed me. I can't even remember what the argument was about. Another reason was that they all moved out to the burbs and I was left in the city, with no car, and everyone stopped coming to the city. Not that I minded taking public transit to certain places, but I was always the one going out of my way and busting my ass to get places when they were all much more mobile. It seemed unbalanced and like my participation was expendable. I felt hurt and a bit abandoned by that. (Ironically, after reconnecting with this group, the exact same phenomenon appears to be happening with my current group of friends. Life is oddly cyclical sometimes).
Now, quite a few of these folks work downtown and we've been getting together occasionally for a happy hour, plus many of them come into the city for various things or choose locations that are accessible to CTA so it's much easier. And, of course, now we have facebook and such to keep in contact between those times. Last weekend, I went to a BBQ with a few of them, and some of the newer faces in the crowd and met some really great people. I'm truly glad to be "home" so to speak.
I've started knitting again. I finished a skirt for myself and now I have to move on to something else that I can bring with me on the plane to Portland.
OK, that's all I have time to write for now. And actually, I wrote more than I thought I would. I guess I really am starved for expression.
Showing posts with label friends n such. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends n such. Show all posts
10 July 2010
20 January 2010
Classic Carlos
A friend found this in the WBEZ (Chicago Public Radio) Archives. Carlos was always a thorn in Mayor Daley's side and didn't pull any punches. I particularly like comment that a listener was "on crack" for defending Hizzoner around the 25 minute mark.
Eight Forty-Eight 8/26/2009
This pretty much sums it up
A cartoon that appeared in yesterday's Tribune. In a word: Perfect.
One last addition... Our friend DeLonde posted this today. He's a musician in Oregon who, sadly, couldn't make it to Chicago on short notice.
Eight Forty-Eight 8/26/2009
This pretty much sums it up
A cartoon that appeared in yesterday's Tribune. In a word: Perfect.
One last addition... Our friend DeLonde posted this today. He's a musician in Oregon who, sadly, couldn't make it to Chicago on short notice.
19 January 2010
Don't wait...
This week, I lost a college friend to cancer. He was diagnosed last year, they estimated he had until March.
Halloween, 1995.
He was Elvis Costello that year.
This is how I'll always remember him.
Carlos made an impact on everyone he met. We were on the newspaper together at DePaul and I remember him as this frenetic, vivid character who could talk your ear off about politics, history, or The Beatles. Man, could he talk. He got so excited about some topics that he would talk so fast you couldn't understand what the hell he was saying anymore. He did everything with passion. He was full of life and humor.
Sadly we lost touch throughout the years, but I kept up on his whereabouts through mutual friends who still saw him. He started working as a political reporter for Chicago Public Radio and I remember the first time I heard his voice on the airwaves thinking, there's no way that's Carlos - he's talking WAY too slow and letting the other person get a word in! Given that his style of speech was so natural for so long, I know he must have worked very, very hard to slow himself down for radio. That itself, shows how much he cared about what he did.
His career took off, and I would see him on local news channels discussing Chicago politics and it was always just so surreal to watch. He covered city and state politics for many years and made an impression on everyone he met and every public official he interviewed. I was truly reminded of this when I saw this:
As a mutual friend said last night while we were out getting a few beers to share the news and remember 'Los, "The President isn't gonna say shit when I die."
I just thought I would have more time to reconnect. One more time to hear him say "Hey Chica!"
If there's someone out there you wished you saw more often, or have been meaning to call or email, but just haven't found the time. Or maybe think it's just been so long that it will just be too awkward. Don't wait. You never know how much time you've got to do it.
Halloween, 1995.He was Elvis Costello that year.
This is how I'll always remember him.
Carlos made an impact on everyone he met. We were on the newspaper together at DePaul and I remember him as this frenetic, vivid character who could talk your ear off about politics, history, or The Beatles. Man, could he talk. He got so excited about some topics that he would talk so fast you couldn't understand what the hell he was saying anymore. He did everything with passion. He was full of life and humor.
Sadly we lost touch throughout the years, but I kept up on his whereabouts through mutual friends who still saw him. He started working as a political reporter for Chicago Public Radio and I remember the first time I heard his voice on the airwaves thinking, there's no way that's Carlos - he's talking WAY too slow and letting the other person get a word in! Given that his style of speech was so natural for so long, I know he must have worked very, very hard to slow himself down for radio. That itself, shows how much he cared about what he did.
His career took off, and I would see him on local news channels discussing Chicago politics and it was always just so surreal to watch. He covered city and state politics for many years and made an impression on everyone he met and every public official he interviewed. I was truly reminded of this when I saw this:
The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release
January 18, 2010
Statement from the President on the Passing of Carlos Hernandez Gomez
“I was saddened to hear of the passing of Carlos Hernandez Gomez. Our paths first crossed when I was a State Senator. He was a throwback in the style of Chicago’s storied political reporters. He loved Chicago, and he relentlessly sought to tell its story with the commitment to truth and the insatiable curiosity that any good reporter has to have. I quickly learned that when you saw his sharp fedora in a crowd, hard questions were coming. But Carlos always played it straight. And I always enjoyed our interactions in Springfield, Chicago, or on the campaign trail. Carlos was a role model to many, and an integral part of the Chicago story he strived to tell. My thoughts and prayers are with his wife Randi and his family.”
As a mutual friend said last night while we were out getting a few beers to share the news and remember 'Los, "The President isn't gonna say shit when I die."
I just thought I would have more time to reconnect. One more time to hear him say "Hey Chica!"
If there's someone out there you wished you saw more often, or have been meaning to call or email, but just haven't found the time. Or maybe think it's just been so long that it will just be too awkward. Don't wait. You never know how much time you've got to do it.
06 July 2009
Pictures, Sailing & Movie Reviews
Today is a really slow day at work, so I finally have some time for an update.
This past weekend was pretty fun. Aside from having to lure Annie outside while people were blowing up small pieces of the neighborhood, it was a good time.
I took Thursday off work to hang out for a few hours with a couple friends in from out of town. We took a tour of the Auditorium Theatre, which is basically about the history and architecture of the building. Those of you who saw Public Enemies saw Johnny Depp standing in the lobby of the theatre for a minute or two. It's truly an amazing building and I am awed every time I am inside.
We got to go up to the Gallery seating area, which is above the 5th balcony, about 72 feet in the air. The Gallery is grandfathered into building codes now, but the new codes would never allow these seats to exist because they are arranged on a 41 degree incline and you seriously get vertigo looking down at the stage. I didn't take any pictures up there - they would not have captured the feeling.
Friday I went to New Buffalo, Michigan and went sailing with the same friends & their family. I'd never been out on an actual sailboat before, and it was a perfect day to be out on Lake Michigan. We went out for a few hours and then went back and had dinner. I got off the train downtown about an hour after the Grant Park fireworks had ended (1 million people crammed into a space of maybe 10-12 square blocks). Thankfully, most of the crowd had dissipated before I got downtown and I was able to get on the El very easily.
Movie Review #1: The Taking of Pellham 123
Saturday I went with 'the boy' to see the Taking of Pellham 123 and I was actually quite pleased with the movie. It was better than I had expected because they did a very good job with character development. We both pretty much had the plot figured out from the beginning, but still thought it was a decent movie. It's a remake of a 70s movie and the plot is basically a hostage situation involving a subway train. John Travolta plays the leader of the hijackers, and the bulk of the movie revolves around him talking to Denzel Washington, a transit dispatcher, over the radio. The interactions between the characters is well done and I'd recommend seeing it if it interests you. The thing I like about movies like this is that there is no clear black and white distinction between the "good guys" and the "bad guys." All of the characters have grey areas, and that makes them much more interesting.
Movie Review #2: Towelhead
A few weeks ago I rented Towelhead, which interested me because it was supposed to be a coming of age story about a half-Lebanese, half-American teenager living in the United States. The title, which was supposed to draw attention to racism and insensitivity, and all the reviews I read indicated that it was supposed to be about the prejudices she faces and that other characters grapple with when cultures, generations, and identities collide.
It is not that.
I hated this movie. I kept watching it just because I thought it might get back to the point, but no. Spoiler alert, I am not hiding anything in this review because I want you to know what you're getting into. If you don't want to know, skip this.
While it is a coming of age story about is Jasira, a 13 year old half-Lebanese girl whose mother sends her to live with her Lebanese father in Texas, it honestly has very little to do with racism or even identity, which is merely a sub-plot. Jasira is sent to live with her father because her mother is a selfish bitch who doesn't believe Jasira when Jasira tells her that her mother's boyfriend was basically molesting her. He only got as far as 'shaving' her, but her mother sees it as her fault and sends her away. From this point on, Jasira's character is nothing but an exotic sexual object - and she's only 13. She lives with her father and is then molested by the father of a kid she's babysitting, who is your stereotype of a conservative, flag-waving, Army reservist Texan. Of course, he and her father both have misconceptions about the other (another bit of the racism subplot). She begins a very inappropriate relationship with this character - which in addition to her dating a black boy in school (there's another little bit of racism in the plot), is the main focus of the plot. It's horrifying to watch this character be used as an object. Now, this is based on a book by the same title, written by an Arab woman. Maybe the book is better and less involved with the sexualization of a teenager. I also have to point out that Alan Ball, the screenwriter for American Beauty, adapted the book for the screenplay. What is it with that man and stories about adult men having inappropriate relationships with teenage girls??? Don't get me wrong, I love American Beauty (a far, far superior movie to this one), but it really makes me wonder why this man is drawn to stories of this kind.
If you're expecting a thoughtful and insightful movie about conflicting identities in America, this is NOT it.
Movie Review #3: Let the Right One In
This was recommended by a friend, so I rented it last week. While the storyline was very interesting - a teenaged vampire (Eli) befriending a bullied boy (Oskar) and the strange relationship between them as Oskar starts to realize what Eli really is, the movie itself was very, very slow. I recently heard from someone else that the book is much, much better (surprise there, right? When is that not the case). I would have liked a lot more character development and backstory. Pretty much the budding relationship between Eli and Oskar is peppered with incidents with the school bullies and myserious disappearances of townsfolk. I will say that the storyline, characters, and style of the movie are very original. I just wanted more to happen.
This past weekend was pretty fun. Aside from having to lure Annie outside while people were blowing up small pieces of the neighborhood, it was a good time.
I took Thursday off work to hang out for a few hours with a couple friends in from out of town. We took a tour of the Auditorium Theatre, which is basically about the history and architecture of the building. Those of you who saw Public Enemies saw Johnny Depp standing in the lobby of the theatre for a minute or two. It's truly an amazing building and I am awed every time I am inside.
We got to go up to the Gallery seating area, which is above the 5th balcony, about 72 feet in the air. The Gallery is grandfathered into building codes now, but the new codes would never allow these seats to exist because they are arranged on a 41 degree incline and you seriously get vertigo looking down at the stage. I didn't take any pictures up there - they would not have captured the feeling.
Friday I went to New Buffalo, Michigan and went sailing with the same friends & their family. I'd never been out on an actual sailboat before, and it was a perfect day to be out on Lake Michigan. We went out for a few hours and then went back and had dinner. I got off the train downtown about an hour after the Grant Park fireworks had ended (1 million people crammed into a space of maybe 10-12 square blocks). Thankfully, most of the crowd had dissipated before I got downtown and I was able to get on the El very easily.
Movie Review #1: The Taking of Pellham 123
Saturday I went with 'the boy' to see the Taking of Pellham 123 and I was actually quite pleased with the movie. It was better than I had expected because they did a very good job with character development. We both pretty much had the plot figured out from the beginning, but still thought it was a decent movie. It's a remake of a 70s movie and the plot is basically a hostage situation involving a subway train. John Travolta plays the leader of the hijackers, and the bulk of the movie revolves around him talking to Denzel Washington, a transit dispatcher, over the radio. The interactions between the characters is well done and I'd recommend seeing it if it interests you. The thing I like about movies like this is that there is no clear black and white distinction between the "good guys" and the "bad guys." All of the characters have grey areas, and that makes them much more interesting.
Movie Review #2: Towelhead
A few weeks ago I rented Towelhead, which interested me because it was supposed to be a coming of age story about a half-Lebanese, half-American teenager living in the United States. The title, which was supposed to draw attention to racism and insensitivity, and all the reviews I read indicated that it was supposed to be about the prejudices she faces and that other characters grapple with when cultures, generations, and identities collide.
It is not that.
I hated this movie. I kept watching it just because I thought it might get back to the point, but no. Spoiler alert, I am not hiding anything in this review because I want you to know what you're getting into. If you don't want to know, skip this.
While it is a coming of age story about is Jasira, a 13 year old half-Lebanese girl whose mother sends her to live with her Lebanese father in Texas, it honestly has very little to do with racism or even identity, which is merely a sub-plot. Jasira is sent to live with her father because her mother is a selfish bitch who doesn't believe Jasira when Jasira tells her that her mother's boyfriend was basically molesting her. He only got as far as 'shaving' her, but her mother sees it as her fault and sends her away. From this point on, Jasira's character is nothing but an exotic sexual object - and she's only 13. She lives with her father and is then molested by the father of a kid she's babysitting, who is your stereotype of a conservative, flag-waving, Army reservist Texan. Of course, he and her father both have misconceptions about the other (another bit of the racism subplot). She begins a very inappropriate relationship with this character - which in addition to her dating a black boy in school (there's another little bit of racism in the plot), is the main focus of the plot. It's horrifying to watch this character be used as an object. Now, this is based on a book by the same title, written by an Arab woman. Maybe the book is better and less involved with the sexualization of a teenager. I also have to point out that Alan Ball, the screenwriter for American Beauty, adapted the book for the screenplay. What is it with that man and stories about adult men having inappropriate relationships with teenage girls??? Don't get me wrong, I love American Beauty (a far, far superior movie to this one), but it really makes me wonder why this man is drawn to stories of this kind.
If you're expecting a thoughtful and insightful movie about conflicting identities in America, this is NOT it.
Movie Review #3: Let the Right One In
This was recommended by a friend, so I rented it last week. While the storyline was very interesting - a teenaged vampire (Eli) befriending a bullied boy (Oskar) and the strange relationship between them as Oskar starts to realize what Eli really is, the movie itself was very, very slow. I recently heard from someone else that the book is much, much better (surprise there, right? When is that not the case). I would have liked a lot more character development and backstory. Pretty much the budding relationship between Eli and Oskar is peppered with incidents with the school bullies and myserious disappearances of townsfolk. I will say that the storyline, characters, and style of the movie are very original. I just wanted more to happen.
18 October 2008
A shout out for my good friend ~V
I'm very proud of ~V. Today is the launch party for her very own literary journal that she founded with the help of a few other writers. Anyone who is a literary buff, certainly check it out and if you're a writer, consider submitting something for the next issue.
Congratulations ~V!!
Conclave: A Journal of Character
Congratulations ~V!!
Conclave: A Journal of Character
29 May 2008
I'm back!
I got back yesterday from a whirlwind tour of the Pacific Northwest. Ok, well, not a tour really but whatever. I decided to tack on a visit to my friend Silver in Portland to a conference I was going to in Seattle and it worked out pretty well. Mrs. Silver unfortunately had to have emergency back surgery three days before I got there so she wasn't very mobile (though much more mobile that I expected - she surprised the hell out of me). So I got to hang with them, their 9 month old and 2 teenage daughters for a few days and I got to watch Silver make beer. It looked suspiciously easy.
More later as I'm catching up on work today. But a few things I learned (and/or re-confirmed):
1) Beer seems easy to make
2) Babies can be cute but I still don't want one.
3) Dred locks only work on black people. White people with locks just look filthy.
4) Bus stops are meeting grounds for hippies in Seattle.
5) Pike Street Brewing company in Seattle ships their Kilt Lifter Scotch Ale to Chicago.
Oh, and John showed me this... for all you YouTube sensation searchers... this is so great:
More later as I'm catching up on work today. But a few things I learned (and/or re-confirmed):
1) Beer seems easy to make
2) Babies can be cute but I still don't want one.
3) Dred locks only work on black people. White people with locks just look filthy.
4) Bus stops are meeting grounds for hippies in Seattle.
5) Pike Street Brewing company in Seattle ships their Kilt Lifter Scotch Ale to Chicago.
Oh, and John showed me this... for all you YouTube sensation searchers... this is so great:
13 May 2008
Light at the end of the tunnel
Tomorrow is the last official thing I have to do before I graduate and it's really optional anyway. Yesterday I turned in my unholy clusterfuck of a final exam for the worst class in history. I'll do fine, I just kinda phoned it in. If I get a few points off, it won't matter since I've aced all the other stuff in class.
Tomorrow I give a quick 10 minute presentation to faculty & students in the Women's & Gender Studies program about my research. I have to figure out exactly how to frame it, since I want it to be an in depth look at a particular piece of my thesis and not just a point by point outline. This is a friendly audience and is really just an end of the year celebration.
Then Friday the festivities begin. I walk, get my degree, and then we're going out to a late lunch with my folks & my sister. Then Friday we're going out with a few peeps for a drink or two. Saturday we're throwing a pizza party at a local pizza joint and then me, Cillic, Heathen, and a few others are going out to neo to get laced. Yes, Neo has Absinthe now. It should be interesting.
Tomorrow I give a quick 10 minute presentation to faculty & students in the Women's & Gender Studies program about my research. I have to figure out exactly how to frame it, since I want it to be an in depth look at a particular piece of my thesis and not just a point by point outline. This is a friendly audience and is really just an end of the year celebration.
Then Friday the festivities begin. I walk, get my degree, and then we're going out to a late lunch with my folks & my sister. Then Friday we're going out with a few peeps for a drink or two. Saturday we're throwing a pizza party at a local pizza joint and then me, Cillic, Heathen, and a few others are going out to neo to get laced. Yes, Neo has Absinthe now. It should be interesting.
10 April 2008
19 March 2008
A thought...
My friend ~V posted a link to this essay recently and it got me to thinking.
The gist of the essay is how one mother has reconciled her role as mother and her necessary relationships with other mothers while realizing she still needs to maintain her existing friendships. That she realized that motherhood does not mean she must only be friends with other mothers or that she somehow must re-identify herself with the "torrent of Bugaboo-pushing women." She went searching for "mommy friends" only to realize she didn't feel like she belonged:
"In the end, my struggle to forge bonds has inadvertently provided what I really need - an assembly of compatible, low-maintenance acquaintances. We mothers use each other; we call not to share our inner demons and secret dreams, but to schedule play dates and inquire about pediatricians. Our connections are tenuous and expendable, the bi-product of a same-time-same-place-same-nap-schedule lifestyle. We are “human resources,” and right now, that’s all we can give. I’ll feel lucky if I emerge from the infant/toddler trenches with even a few solid comrades."
She goes on to explain how the "work" model allowed her to forge "working" relationships with other mothers much like one would with co-workers. Some co-workers become close friends. Others do not.
I began thinking about her overall message of the need to maintain existing friendships in the "wake" of motherhood because she realized her "mommy friends" were simply acquaintances for a particular time, purpose and context.
This is something that I have thought about for the past few years. As someone who has chosen not to have children, what will happen once many of my women friends have kids? Many of them, already friends with each other, will have a new common bond, they'll go on play dates and see each other probably more often just by virtue of sharing 'mommy time' and they'll always have a ready-made topic of discussion to share. Where will I fit in? Will I be part of that world at all? I mean, given that one of my versions of hell is a house full of screaming 3 year olds I can hardly see myself as a full participant in the various milestones of (birthdays chief among them) motherhood and childhood.
Of course, I realize that I will have to forge new friendships with other people who do not have children. I have a few already. We will develop our own common interests and activities. I know this will come out sounding snotty - and it's not meant to be - but I will need to find friends who can decide to go out on a moment's notice, meet up after work for a drink, go to a restaurant that doesn't have a kids menu. As long as Annie is alive, we will also never be able to have these folks over to our house because Annie cannot be trusted around children. That and our house is not child-proof (but everyone I know would be diligent is watching their kids, unlike some people who let their brats run through restaurants or torment Aunt Zelda's cat).
And I'm certainly not implying that parents cannot do these things. In fact, I am tired of the portrayal in popular media of the women with children as no-fun, overly-serious, fuddyduddies while the younger women (single of course, because if you're married you must have or be on your way to having kids) without children are the free-spirits. Or the portrayal of mothers as "mature" and non-mothers (young single women) as "immature." The movie Raising Helen is a glaring example from recent times -- with Helen the care-free, unmarried, working girl contrasted with her sister -- a mother of three who has forgotten how to have fun. There are several examples of these archetypes out there. I know plenty of mothers who have plenty of fun and I know non-mothers who wouldn't know fun if it kicked them in the ass.
I am, however, recognizing the difficulty of scheduling, time management, and finances that come with parenthood and recognizing that my relationships with friends who become parents will change. We'll all have our own different time commitments, our own priorities.
How do you balance this with friendships that no longer coincide along as many common priorities? How many of my current friendships exist, much like the author's friendships with other mothers, because of common experiences and once those experiences diverge (some becoming mothers and some not), so will the friendship? I mean, it can go both ways, right? Is this the period where I'll find out that my real friends are the ones that, regardless of quantity, at least make an effort to stay in touch and share quality time and I with them?
I know this sounds extraordinarily bitchy, but it's not meant to.
I should note, too, that this applies to my men friends who become fathers just as equally. It's only because the original essay focused on a mother's personal experiences that I focused on women. Also, men tend to be a little freer to do what they always did because most childcare responsibilities still fall on women (and many more women than men feel guilty taking "me time" lest they be perceived by others as "bad" mothers. I could go into possible reasons for that, but that's another post).
The gist of the essay is how one mother has reconciled her role as mother and her necessary relationships with other mothers while realizing she still needs to maintain her existing friendships. That she realized that motherhood does not mean she must only be friends with other mothers or that she somehow must re-identify herself with the "torrent of Bugaboo-pushing women." She went searching for "mommy friends" only to realize she didn't feel like she belonged:
"In the end, my struggle to forge bonds has inadvertently provided what I really need - an assembly of compatible, low-maintenance acquaintances. We mothers use each other; we call not to share our inner demons and secret dreams, but to schedule play dates and inquire about pediatricians. Our connections are tenuous and expendable, the bi-product of a same-time-same-place-same-nap-schedule lifestyle. We are “human resources,” and right now, that’s all we can give. I’ll feel lucky if I emerge from the infant/toddler trenches with even a few solid comrades."
She goes on to explain how the "work" model allowed her to forge "working" relationships with other mothers much like one would with co-workers. Some co-workers become close friends. Others do not.
I began thinking about her overall message of the need to maintain existing friendships in the "wake" of motherhood because she realized her "mommy friends" were simply acquaintances for a particular time, purpose and context.
This is something that I have thought about for the past few years. As someone who has chosen not to have children, what will happen once many of my women friends have kids? Many of them, already friends with each other, will have a new common bond, they'll go on play dates and see each other probably more often just by virtue of sharing 'mommy time' and they'll always have a ready-made topic of discussion to share. Where will I fit in? Will I be part of that world at all? I mean, given that one of my versions of hell is a house full of screaming 3 year olds I can hardly see myself as a full participant in the various milestones of (birthdays chief among them) motherhood and childhood.
Of course, I realize that I will have to forge new friendships with other people who do not have children. I have a few already. We will develop our own common interests and activities. I know this will come out sounding snotty - and it's not meant to be - but I will need to find friends who can decide to go out on a moment's notice, meet up after work for a drink, go to a restaurant that doesn't have a kids menu. As long as Annie is alive, we will also never be able to have these folks over to our house because Annie cannot be trusted around children. That and our house is not child-proof (but everyone I know would be diligent is watching their kids, unlike some people who let their brats run through restaurants or torment Aunt Zelda's cat).
And I'm certainly not implying that parents cannot do these things. In fact, I am tired of the portrayal in popular media of the women with children as no-fun, overly-serious, fuddyduddies while the younger women (single of course, because if you're married you must have or be on your way to having kids) without children are the free-spirits. Or the portrayal of mothers as "mature" and non-mothers (young single women) as "immature." The movie Raising Helen is a glaring example from recent times -- with Helen the care-free, unmarried, working girl contrasted with her sister -- a mother of three who has forgotten how to have fun. There are several examples of these archetypes out there. I know plenty of mothers who have plenty of fun and I know non-mothers who wouldn't know fun if it kicked them in the ass.
I am, however, recognizing the difficulty of scheduling, time management, and finances that come with parenthood and recognizing that my relationships with friends who become parents will change. We'll all have our own different time commitments, our own priorities.
How do you balance this with friendships that no longer coincide along as many common priorities? How many of my current friendships exist, much like the author's friendships with other mothers, because of common experiences and once those experiences diverge (some becoming mothers and some not), so will the friendship? I mean, it can go both ways, right? Is this the period where I'll find out that my real friends are the ones that, regardless of quantity, at least make an effort to stay in touch and share quality time and I with them?
I know this sounds extraordinarily bitchy, but it's not meant to.
I should note, too, that this applies to my men friends who become fathers just as equally. It's only because the original essay focused on a mother's personal experiences that I focused on women. Also, men tend to be a little freer to do what they always did because most childcare responsibilities still fall on women (and many more women than men feel guilty taking "me time" lest they be perceived by others as "bad" mothers. I could go into possible reasons for that, but that's another post).
15 February 2008
Blog Lazy
So my blog seems to have become a collection of random stuff I find interesting rather than my own voice. That wasn't my intention, but lately I've just been overwhelmed with the world and haven't been able to muster the energy to say anything of my own.
I'll get back to writing my own stuff eventually.
For now, work is kickin' my ass and I'm stuck in a class that I'm less than thrilled with. The class I was supposed to take "Counter terror and Human Rights" was canceled at the last minute because the professor suddenly got sick. Since it's such a specialized course that he designed, no one else was prepared to teach it. So that sucks. Luckily he's planning on teaching it next year and, even though I'll have graduated, I might just take it for the hell of it. The tuition is free and I really want to take it, so why not?
The class I'm in right now is called Gender and Language. It's a very interesting class and I like the professor a lot. I am just having a difficult time getting into it. I have no idea what I'm going to do my class project on at all and I am having a hard time getting into the readings. It is fascinating to look at how gendered norms are produced and maintained through language (modes of speaking as well as words themselves and forums open to certain people), but I think I was just so stoked for the other class that I'm still in a disappointment funk.
I'm finishing up the final edits on my thesis this weekend and hope to get it to the Graduate Dean's office next week. From there, there might be a few small changes and then it's done.
I am looking forward to the monthly meeting of my women's spirituality group tonight. I missed last month's meeting due to work, insomnia, and weather. I am feeling just so disconnected with the world lately.
CilliC and Heathen are in town this weekend too, so I am looking forward to getting the last revisions on my draft done tomorrow so that we can celebrate Saturday at Neo.
By the way... SME posted the most fan-fucking-tastic video I have EVER seen. Go look now!!
I'll get back to writing my own stuff eventually.
For now, work is kickin' my ass and I'm stuck in a class that I'm less than thrilled with. The class I was supposed to take "Counter terror and Human Rights" was canceled at the last minute because the professor suddenly got sick. Since it's such a specialized course that he designed, no one else was prepared to teach it. So that sucks. Luckily he's planning on teaching it next year and, even though I'll have graduated, I might just take it for the hell of it. The tuition is free and I really want to take it, so why not?
The class I'm in right now is called Gender and Language. It's a very interesting class and I like the professor a lot. I am just having a difficult time getting into it. I have no idea what I'm going to do my class project on at all and I am having a hard time getting into the readings. It is fascinating to look at how gendered norms are produced and maintained through language (modes of speaking as well as words themselves and forums open to certain people), but I think I was just so stoked for the other class that I'm still in a disappointment funk.
I'm finishing up the final edits on my thesis this weekend and hope to get it to the Graduate Dean's office next week. From there, there might be a few small changes and then it's done.
I am looking forward to the monthly meeting of my women's spirituality group tonight. I missed last month's meeting due to work, insomnia, and weather. I am feeling just so disconnected with the world lately.
CilliC and Heathen are in town this weekend too, so I am looking forward to getting the last revisions on my draft done tomorrow so that we can celebrate Saturday at Neo.
By the way... SME posted the most fan-fucking-tastic video I have EVER seen. Go look now!!
27 December 2007
Bon Voyage et Bonnes Nouvelles
Christmas was great here in Laura & John Land. We got to see Cillic and Heathen for a bit on Saturday and in the exchange of gifts, I got my new nickname... Bumpy. Huh? Yep. Apparently Heather's handwriting is ambigramic...
Carl handed me a little package and I looked at Heather and said "Bumpy?" John, Carl and Heather looked at me like "Buh?" So I showed them. Too funny.
John scanned the tissue paper and flipped the image on top of itself so we could show the world:
Inside was a lovely beaded bracelet that Heather made.
Saturday night we had a nice dinner & game night at another friend's place. They gave us a talking Jesus action figure with the Kung-Fu grip - so of course as soon as we got home we gave him R. Lee Ermey's sword from the Full Metal Jacket doll and took pictures of him perched in a giant vagina. I mean, what else would you do with it?
It would be fun to try and balance him on a My Little Pony and have it be the coming of the Queer Apocolypse or a Pleo Dinosaur and re-enact a history lesson...
We did Christmas Eve at my parents house and Christmas day at my Aunt's house. We got all kinds of things from my family even though we had all agreed to "take it easy" this year. Uh-huh.
I got a ton of bath & body stuff - a Lush gift box full of yummy smelly stuff and some bath & body works. My parents got me a Gift that Gives More from the Click to Give coalition sites (linked to the left) to send two girls to school in Afghanistan for a year. John got 8 tons of cookies and an Evil Monkey and about a billion t-shirts. That's OK though because he wears them all the time. His favorite was a Threadless shirt entitled "Yes You Are."
We have all our crap packed for the trip. Rather than pack light, which we normally do, we're bringing one suitcase a piece so that we have room for stuff to bring back with us.
I finally heard back from Hannah and I have an appointment for January 3rd to finally finish my back piece (applause). I'll be a bit jet lagged, but that's ok.
Bon Année
Bumpy
PS. My heart goes out to all of Pakistan today. Truly a tragedy brought on by ideological cowards and narrow minded goons.
Carl handed me a little package and I looked at Heather and said "Bumpy?" John, Carl and Heather looked at me like "Buh?" So I showed them. Too funny.
John scanned the tissue paper and flipped the image on top of itself so we could show the world:
Inside was a lovely beaded bracelet that Heather made.
Saturday night we had a nice dinner & game night at another friend's place. They gave us a talking Jesus action figure with the Kung-Fu grip - so of course as soon as we got home we gave him R. Lee Ermey's sword from the Full Metal Jacket doll and took pictures of him perched in a giant vagina. I mean, what else would you do with it?
It would be fun to try and balance him on a My Little Pony and have it be the coming of the Queer Apocolypse or a Pleo Dinosaur and re-enact a history lesson...We did Christmas Eve at my parents house and Christmas day at my Aunt's house. We got all kinds of things from my family even though we had all agreed to "take it easy" this year. Uh-huh.
I got a ton of bath & body stuff - a Lush gift box full of yummy smelly stuff and some bath & body works. My parents got me a Gift that Gives More from the Click to Give coalition sites (linked to the left) to send two girls to school in Afghanistan for a year. John got 8 tons of cookies and an Evil Monkey and about a billion t-shirts. That's OK though because he wears them all the time. His favorite was a Threadless shirt entitled "Yes You Are."
We have all our crap packed for the trip. Rather than pack light, which we normally do, we're bringing one suitcase a piece so that we have room for stuff to bring back with us.
I finally heard back from Hannah and I have an appointment for January 3rd to finally finish my back piece (applause). I'll be a bit jet lagged, but that's ok.
Bon Année
Bumpy
PS. My heart goes out to all of Pakistan today. Truly a tragedy brought on by ideological cowards and narrow minded goons.
13 November 2007
Two way streets and personal priorities
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Several years back, I lost touch with a lot of people from my childhood. Back then, it hurt - a lot. I felt left behind, and not in the cheesey Kirk Cameron sort of way.
Now, I now only think of most of those folks in terms of "gee, wonder whatever happened to..." and others, I don't think of at all unless something or someone else triggers me to.
It's part of life, I know. Priorities change, life patterns change, etc. I've gotten back in touch with a few people lately, and most are now just e-mail friends and we never really get together. Those that I did really have an interest in reconnecting with, I have put a lot of effort into trying to make that happen. But life is cyclical in a way, and that process of reconnection made me think of the past.
I used to blame myself for losing touch. I should have done this, that, or the other. Should have tried harder, put in more effort. But after several years of contemplating this, I realized - no. I did what I could, and friendship is a two-way street. Why should I constantly have to be the initiator?
Sure, everyone has their own lives and priorities, and in a few cases there are geographical issues. But I've always tried to place my friends at the top of my priorities, and I generally don't see the same in return - with very few exceptions.
Of course, the more hurtful edge of this sword is wondering why I constantly have to be the initiator with some people. It makes me question the quality of the friendship and wonder if those who fall in this category really should be demoted to casual acquaintances rather than carry the term of endearment "friend".
I obviously had concerns about posting this, since it's possible those that evoke these feelings in me may read this. It is also possible that who do not will mistakenly assume it is directed at them and Three's Company hijinks could ensue.
But it's something I had to get off my chest.
I'm just wondering - what's your take on all this?
Editor's note: I think after contemplating this a little more, I've decided that this really has more to do with friendships where I feel I put forth a great deal of effort, a great deal of time, and often bend over backwards, only to feel like I am not much more than a side note to the other person. There are plenty of instances where neither person has much free time, or schedules just don't line up. But it's an emotional blow when you realize that another person doesn't seem to value you as much as you value them. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Now, I now only think of most of those folks in terms of "gee, wonder whatever happened to..." and others, I don't think of at all unless something or someone else triggers me to.
It's part of life, I know. Priorities change, life patterns change, etc. I've gotten back in touch with a few people lately, and most are now just e-mail friends and we never really get together. Those that I did really have an interest in reconnecting with, I have put a lot of effort into trying to make that happen. But life is cyclical in a way, and that process of reconnection made me think of the past.
I used to blame myself for losing touch. I should have done this, that, or the other. Should have tried harder, put in more effort. But after several years of contemplating this, I realized - no. I did what I could, and friendship is a two-way street. Why should I constantly have to be the initiator?
Sure, everyone has their own lives and priorities, and in a few cases there are geographical issues. But I've always tried to place my friends at the top of my priorities, and I generally don't see the same in return - with very few exceptions.
Of course, the more hurtful edge of this sword is wondering why I constantly have to be the initiator with some people. It makes me question the quality of the friendship and wonder if those who fall in this category really should be demoted to casual acquaintances rather than carry the term of endearment "friend".
I obviously had concerns about posting this, since it's possible those that evoke these feelings in me may read this. It is also possible that who do not will mistakenly assume it is directed at them and Three's Company hijinks could ensue.
But it's something I had to get off my chest.
I'm just wondering - what's your take on all this?
Editor's note: I think after contemplating this a little more, I've decided that this really has more to do with friendships where I feel I put forth a great deal of effort, a great deal of time, and often bend over backwards, only to feel like I am not much more than a side note to the other person. There are plenty of instances where neither person has much free time, or schedules just don't line up. But it's an emotional blow when you realize that another person doesn't seem to value you as much as you value them. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
14 October 2007
Guh,,,,
I have been less than motivated to do just about anything this past week. The days are getting shorter, my mornings darker, and my brain muddier. I have started getting back in the habit of sitting in front of the Sad-Lite when I wake up, but I am still just sluggish. This is the reason I could never, ever live in Scandinavia, Northern Canada, or even the Pacific Northwest. I'm like a plant. I need sunlight otherwise I wilt.
The last two weeks have been pretty hectic as well... here's the roundup:
The last two weeks have been pretty hectic as well... here's the roundup:
- Last weekend we got to see Heathen & CilliC who were in town for Heathen's birthday. We went to Neo (of course), Wishbone (you don't say?), and Sunday we went to a brunch place called Orange. Let me tell you - put this on your list of sites to see if you're ever in Chicago. They have flights of silver dollar pancakes (four different kinds all within a common theme). They have Frushi (fruit sushi - yum), and the whole time we were there, they were playing Daft Punk. My kind of place. I had Chai Tea French Toast. Double-yum.
- Our office at work moved this week, and shall we say, it was less than organized? I won't get into details, but it was a big ol' mess. Everything is moved finally, but it could have been handled much, much better by those organizing the whole affair. Basically it boiled down to this. We were moving to a space that belonged to a different department, and another office was waiting for our current space. Well... nobody bothered to tell the department that owned the space we were moving to that they had to move their stuff. So it was all last minute -drop everything that could have been avoided with a single phone call. OY
- Last Thursday I got together with a friend of mine I haven't seen in several years. We went to high school together, were very good friends through my time at DePaul, and then lost touch shortly after I graduated. Basically, after everyone graduated, most people moved back to the burbs and it became impossible for me to hang out with them since I had no car. Then I had a less than pleasant exchange with a ranking member of the posse' about his pompous attitude and his holier-than-thou way of treating people and that was pretty much my last bridge that I burned. Well, it turns out that my dad bumped into my friend, now a member of the Harley Owners Group, while riding a couple years ago, and we finally got back in touch. It's funny because for the past 2 years or so, my dad has seen him more than I have. So it was really nice to catch up, especially since, of all the people from my former life, he's the only one I ever truly missed.
- I'm finally getting my ass in gear and writing my thesis. I have it in my brain. I have amassed most of my arguments separately in various research papers I have done for other classes in my program. Now I have to weed through it all, bring it together, add some additional thoughts and research, and polish it up. My trouble has always been just getting started. With the weather the way it is now, it's even harder because all I want to do is sit on my ass and watch TV.
- I have got to get back to the pool. I haven't been swimming in 2 months. They closed the pool for renovations and then I got sick. I really need to get my ass in gear with that. I'm sure exercise will make me feel better and more energized too.
- I'm struggling with learning French. I'm terrible with languages, I always was. At least I know how to say "I'm sorry, I don't speak French." Now all I have to learn is "I'm sorry my president is a complete dick."
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