Ok, this is my new favorite phrase.It's just so goddamned funny and I don't know why. John and I were saying it to each other all evening. Why is it so funny?
So thanks to Paul, whoever you are, for giving me that website. We are now members of the First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Since it appears that in order to be considered equal citizens that we must believe in something, this is as good as any I say.
I was skeptical at first, but when they proved global warming was due to the reduction in the number of Pirates - I nearly fell off my chair! Did you know there's also a positive correlation between increasing ice cream sales and increasing murder rates*? It's true! We better do something about Hagen Daas before it's too late. The obvious answer -
We need more Pirates to rid the world of ice cream or we're all gonna die!
*Actually that's the example most Stats teachers use to show the difference between correlation and causation, just because it's so ludicrous. Just because two variables show a similar pattern doesn't mean one causes the other. I know most of you got the joke, but I felt the need to explain in case anyone might get the idea that I was serious and start shooting at their freezers.
41 comments:
Holy cow, that site is so hilarious! Awesome! The part that made me laugh hardest was the "current favorite email" section. Kansas is a weird place.
Giving serious thought to joining the First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Or possibly starting a break-away sect (yet still in keeping with the Italianate theme), the First Church of Pizza Pie.
...we're not the CFSM, we're the FCPP. The only thing we hate more that Darwinists or Creationists is the CFSM!
SPLITTER!
You know, you get these militant extremists... C -- you're sounding like a certain someone with a new shotgun!
We at the FCPP believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was just a prophet of the Pizza Pie god. No offese, y'all.
We should all be able to live in harmony with our love of carbohydrates.
Allow me to introduce to you the true religion - Pientology.
In this religion, there's no reason to eat anything other than pie. Apple, cherry, meat.
Founded in the 1950's by our leader, Betty Crocker, this church has grown over the years to massive proportions. Some of the most famous chefs are highly regarded members of this organization.
In order to join this elite sect, you must forsake all other foods and denounce them as TASTLESS CRAP.
You must also be rich, as pie is a rich food, and it gets expensive to feed the need for salvation.
John,
Pizza is a kind of pie. However, no cherries or apples on pizza - sure, maybe at CPK, but everyone knows that's not real pizza. Betty was misguided by the devil into thinking that other kinds of pies are as holy as the pizza pie. Repent of your sins. Turn away from the Pumpkin Pie and prey for forgiveness from the Divine Carmen's Stuffed Sausage and Mushroom Pizza .
By the way, any unauthorized representation, interpretation, mastication, or digestion of the Holy Divine Carmen's Stuffed Sausage and Mushroom Pizza will result in swift and decisive action from our law firm, Shock and Awe, LLP.
Sincerely,
The FCCP.
John, there is no room for fried chicken in Pientology. I hate to have to bring this to your attention. There is no backing out now. The prophet has spoken.
Can I propose a merger of the Flying Spaghetti Monster faith and the You'reNotOneFarkingBitBetterThanAnyoneElseSoShutYourProselytizingYapology?
Donna,
those may merge, because they are both wrong. PizzaPiology is the only way.
Sincerely,
The FCPP
Carl,
Do you ever feel unhappy with your flat pizzas?
Of course you do.
The Pizza pie, however, gives you more energy and makes you a happier person.
The pizza PIE, Carl. I say again - the PIZZA PIE.
Betty Crocker invented the Pizza pie. It came to her after her first visit by the beings that gave her the infinate culinary wisdom.
The vessal which the beings came looked exactly like two pie plates glued together. This was a defining moment.
You are smart enough to realize that PIEs are all you need. You just have to get that mumbo jumbo you've been tought all of your life out of you!
You know that you are better than mere food!
Join the Pientologists!
John,
You can be forgiven for being mislead, but the False Prophet Betty is so long. As we all know, the pizza pie was invented in the Holy Land of Italy. Now I ask you, is Crocker an Italian sirname? Certainly not.
That irrefutable scientific evidence alone should be enough to sway you away from your false beliefs.
Sincerely
cillic
For your information, her orginal name was CROCKERELLI.
The beings told her she should Americanize it, as it was just after WWII and there was an anti-Italian vibe.
Which version shall we teach in Piology class in schools? That's the REAL issue.
I don't understand the difference between the CFPP and the Pientologists. Is it just because I can't tell all you white people apart?
Yes Donna, that's the reason. :)
I was confused as well, and I started it! John, is the FCPP a subsect of Piology? And where does the CFSM fit into our lovely and increasingly caloric pantheon?
Clearly Rasa, you want to know more about Pientology.
Our Founder would say that although things came before her, her energy is what drove others to create.
All things serve the pie. The FCPP is actually a bastardized version of Pientology. We Pientologists are pure, whereas other religions are slop.
What the -- that's a man in a dress, John, and there's not even a pie in the picture. What the hell is that all about? You've got some nerve dumping on the FCPP when your icon just walked out of Priscilla Queen of the the Desert - with NO PIE.
(This statement in no way should be construed as support or endorsement of the FCPP.)
HOW DARE YOU BLASPHEME!!!!
THIS IS AN UNDOCTORED PHOTOGRAPH OF BETTY CROCKER MAKING PIE FILLING FOR RELIGIOUS PURPOSES.
TO INSINUATE THAT BETTY IS A MAN IS THE MOST VILE AND REPUGNANT THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.
YOUR FILTHY LIES ARE NOTHING BUT FCPP PROPAGANDA!!!
John, that is a man, and there is no pie. You don't see Christ without the cross do you? You don't see Buddha without the belly do you? Then what the heck is your tranny golden calf doing WITHOUT A PIE??? Pientology, my lemon-fresh ass. YOU are nothing but a planted shill for Betty Crocker CRAPPY FROZEN PIE CRUST
I will not stand back and watch you embarass yourself and soil the Holy Pizza Pan by displaying images of your False Prophet (Profit!). BEHOLD the true founder of the FCCP.
Carl, there is no pizza in that image either. You know what you all, you're all just a bunch of carnies. CARNIES, I SAY.
Carl,
Although i CLEARLY find your beliefs repugnant, and would spit on you if you were on fire, I say we form a religious coalition to stamp out Donna's outrageous insinuations. We'll then be free to wage jihads on each other.
John,
Despite the fact that I find your very existance an affront to humanity, on this front, I must agree... Donna must be destroyed!
Oh no, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. It's like the supposed alliance between Osama and Saddam. Only they're evil despots and you guys are total pussies.
DON'T MAKE ME PULL BETTY'S MISSILE OUT!
That thing is a monsterous-final-solution-all-cards-on-the-table Doom's Day device.
You've been warned.
Please - we all know where Betty's missile has been...stuck in the warm apple pie, that's where.
Donna, your glib.
You don't know the history of Pie Fucking. I do.
You know what? There always has been. There always will be. I've never worried about what other people think and what other people say.
Do you know that pizza is used as a STREET DRUG?
I am so uncreative, I cannot even begin to participate in this. But can I say that reading these has been the most fun I've had in a long time?
John, I personally know a lot of people that pizza has helped. You say you want people to do well, but you want them to do well by fucking the pie that you approve of, as opposed to a pie that may work for them.
Donna, Donna...
you don't even know what are in pepperonis.
If you start talking about fat content on someone's johnson, you have to evaluate the FDA research papers on how fattening pizza is, Donna. That's what I've done.
John, aren't there examples, and might not Carl be one of those examples, of someone who benefited from pepperoni? Could it not be that pepperoni is a tasty and delicious meat product?
Lets take Carl into consideration:
Here is a Carl, and I care about Carl because I think he is an incredibly talented person. You look at it, where has his weight gone?
I he had only taken vitamin filled fruit pies instead, he'd be where he was in the 90's fit and trim and able to get the modeling jobs he used to.
Pepperoni is one of the apostles of the FCPP. While saying bad things about Pepperoni is frowned about, it is not blasphemy, in the strictest sense of the word.
I would also like to take this opportunity to point out this other major difference between the FCPP and the Piologists... not only do we not worship the False Idols of Boston Cream, Key Lime, or Pecan Pie, but we don't go sticking our privates in them either. That would cause damage to our reproductive organs (pizza is best served hot), thus shunting our ability to go forth and prosper, which would be a sin.
Respectfully,
the FCPP
John, I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that-- do-- do you examine the possibility that pizza does work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, Carl can't get the modeling jobs he used to get. But maybe that's a benefit for everyone. Maybe there are too many people on pepperoni. Maybe wood-fire pizza ovens--
Talk to me Goose, talk to me...
I lean more to Frisbeeterianism. They believe that when you die your soul flies up to the roof and gets stuck up there.
Seriously -- Carl, John, and Donna deserve the Queen of the Universe's highest honor for conducting such a fruitful (but not in the pie sense) discussion regarding the establishment of our religious tenets. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
I think this occasion calls for new names, in keeping with, you know, joining a church. Now, I could now call you Sir Carl Tomato, Sir John Mozzarella, and Lady Donna Pepperoni... But I'm sure someone will protest, so you can pick your own new names. And John, even though you are a Pientologist, we'll let you be an honorary member of FCPP. :)
I don't know. That picture is kind of scary. I don't think I want to worship someone who's going to give me nightmares. Besides, will it be sacrelige to eat spaghetti and meatballs now? If so, forget it. I can't join that church. I like spagetti and meatballs too much.
So if Pientology is the true religion, does mean that playing a game of Frisbee is a sacrament? Will I have to dress like Betty Crocker as I play? More importantly, would I lose points for taping a sealed plastic bag of Betty Crocker's cherry pie filling under my shirt to be ruptured at an inopportune moment?
In other news ...
The phrase "tranny golden calf" made me spit water on my monitor.
*snark*
In support of John, my cracker friend would like to say - I LOVE Pie. While you (Donna) appear to be a benevolent and dutiful cook (e.g. I haven't died yet), what do you truly know about a warm, succulent fruit pie? Pizza is good. Heck, pizza is even great at times, but it's simply not the same thing as a strawberry-rhubarb pie slightly cooled with just a hint of Breyer's Vanilla Bean ice cream. That's the holy tenet of Gastro-Pientology.
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